I skipped work to stalk him.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I need to calm my uterus...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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