dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
