She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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