You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
