Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
