i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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