just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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