I didn't shave. On purpose
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
