I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
