I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
