oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
