I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
whose parrot is this?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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