Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
