pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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