I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
