Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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