Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
