fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
