You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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