1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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