i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
