when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
