he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
