Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
