I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
