For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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