i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
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I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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