All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
too bad you live with your parents still
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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