she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
