Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she told me i tasted like america
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke