apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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