P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
