Is it because I queefed?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
