I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
someone owes me an orgasm
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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