I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
