I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
