you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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