I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
