You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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