you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
