Kiss
Puke
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
