Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
