My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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