Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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