I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
