so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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