I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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