She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
