I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
