My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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