What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize