This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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