Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
