he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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