ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
